Happy Birthday, Chachi II??

Happy Birthday!

Today is July 15th - a date that holds no special significance unless it happens to be your birthday. Which is the case for Brian Austin Green. You may not know that name. You may be more familiar with his erstwhile TV moniker David Silver from 90210 fame.

I typically refer to him as Silver; which has paid off huge because in the updated edition of the show airing on the WB that is what they call the ridiculously hot younger sister of Kelly Taylor and David Silver. And by paid off huge, I mean that my buddy Anar called me (because he actually watches crappy TV including that show) and told me that the new show was using my Silver nickname on the new love of his life. I'm sure she's only a half sister or something to one or the other of the original cast members, but I don't really care that much and its not really the point.

What is the point? Today is Brian Austin Green's birthday. Pay attention, damn it! And why should you care? Because David Silver has a knock list like you wouldn't believe possible for a B-level, child actor-turned-D-level-adult-actor. He is the poster child for Hot Chicks with Douchebags. Think Kevin Federline was out of his league with Brit? Okay, admittedly a bad example. But seriously, Silver (or BAG, whichever you prefer) has run up in Tiffany Amber-Thiessen of Saved By the Bell/90210 fame, Vanessa Marcil of 90210/General Hospital hotness, and Megan Fox - a girl so dirty and hot that she's threatening to take the top perch on my Top 5 Laminated List from perennial winner Jessica Alba. That's a helluva trifecta, ladies and gents. Kelly Kapowski?! Bam! That in and of itself is the stuff of legend. But she hasn't been relevant since the early '90s. Nor has Silver. Which makes his recent engagement with Megan Fox all the more impressive, no? I mean, this guy fell off the grid like Corey Haim, but without the unintentionally hilarious comeback attempt. And yet he's hammering home in the hottest lady in Hollywood? How?! (Gratuitous Megan Fox shot coming in 3...2...1)



(aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh)

Okay, we're back... Some go so far as to say that Silver is our generation's Scott Baio. And at first, I loved the comparison. And then my brain starting churning. Is that an accurate comparison? I mean, 3 amazingly hot girls is quite the achievement for a man of such little stature but are we really ready to ascribe such lofty status based on such a small sample size? After further review, no. No, I'm not. I will not sully the name of one of the greatest poon hounds in history with such blasphemy.

And here we need to take a moment to recognize true greatness. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi. Charles who is In Charge. Cocksman sans précédent. Living Legend.


.... Scott Baio.

Scott Baio made time with Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Nicole Eggert (former member of my Top 5 Laminated List - I still love you, Nicole), Natalie Raitano, Nicolette Sheridan, Denise Richards, Julie McCullough, Jodie Foster, Heather Locklear, Beverly D'Angelo, Liza Minelli (no, seriously), Melissa Gilbert, and Sheila Kennedy (December 1981 Pet of the Month and 1983 Pet of the Year, Penthouse), among others.

Scott Baio took a bit role as Fonzi's cousin on Happy Days and parlayed it into the single biggest-name Belt Notch list in Hollywood history. His Playmates span decades. He's done the wild thing with every new "it girl" for years. I think he threw Liza a bone just for the comedic value of the story. He even lived out every man's secret fantasy and gotten busy with the Mom from those Vacation movies.


(Yo Clark, Baio smashed your wife!)


Baio has gone so far as to rate his lovers, simply for us mere mortals to revel in the glory of his aura. Locklear earned top honors ("hands down", no less), Liza got a 7 out of 10, D'Angelo pulled a perfect 10, and Denise Richards was awarded a lowly 3 points. And that last part kinda fits. Denise is easy to look at, no doubt, but did anyone doubt that she was a self-involved uber bitch? Now you know, she's crap in the sack. At least to Scott Baio. Which means that you or I would probably never recover. I digress....

Baio's conquests were so vast that he was actually banned from the Playboy mansion in the late 80's because he had run the gauntlet of that year's Playmates and was double dipping in Hef's private stock. Are you serious? I always thought people like Seth Green got banned from the mansion for doing dumb shit like trying to light a fart and accidentally setting one of Hef's girlfriends hair on fire. I never knew that you could actually tap so much ass that HUGH HEFNER got insecure and asked that you not be allowed back in. That's insane!

So in summation, I reject the notion that Brian Austin Green is our generation's Scott Baio on the grounds that the bar is set so high that there may never be another Scott Baio; much in the same way that there may never be another artist the ilk of Michelangelo, another coach with the savvy of Dean Smith, another baby with the grace and joy of a Leo James Slebos. No, my friends. Of his caliber, we may have seen the last.

I grew up on Scott Baio. I watched Scott Baio do work. You, Silver, are no Scott Baio.